Monday, December 27, 2010

There's a Fine Lion.

*upstairs cleaning up daughters room as she recovers from the flu downstairs*

Daughter: "daddy.......Daddy..........Daddy!.......DADDY!"

Dad: *coming down the steps* "Yeah baby, what's up?"

Daughter: "You can't hurt lions because they are imported"

Dad: "Important?"

Daughter "huh?"

Dad: "They are important"

Daughter: "I know, that's what I said!"

Dad: *sighs and turns to go back to work on room*

Daughter: "DADDY!"

Dad: *from the top of stairs* "What!?"

Daughter: "You shouldn't eat them either."

Dad:......"Yeah eating lions is a bad idea."

Daughter: "Because they're imported."

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Like Father - Like Daughter

Daughter: "My favorite word is No!"

Dad: "Oh? IS it?"

Daughter: "Yes!"

Dad: "Why is No your favorite word?"

Daughter: "Well Matt and Mommy say No is my favorite word."

Dad: *chuckles* "Well, they have a good point, but I think there is a difference between your favorite word and your most used word."

Daughter: "Huh?"

Dad: "What is your favorite word to say?"

Daughter:.....*thinking*..... "My favorite word is Love!"

Dad: *smiles* "That's a great word."

*long quiet pause.......*

Daughter: "But I do say No alot."

Dad: "Yeah you do."

Friday, November 12, 2010

Creepy Little Kid....

*arriving home after the typical Friday night TJ's and grocers stop. As I am unloading bags into the house Chloe goes ahead of me.*

Daughter: "Daddy, I'm going to go put my stuff down inside."

Dad: "Ok, thanks, I'll be right in"

Daughter: *running out of the house* "I saw something!"

Dad: "What did you see?"

Daughter: "It was dark and ran across the house!"

Dad: "You probably saw one fo the mice, it's cold they're coming inside now."

Daughter: "Mice are grey, this was darker and bigger!"

Dad: "baby, mice can look dark from a distance, they're small and run fast, now help me with these bags."

Daughter: "No, she was my size!"

Dad: "What!?...She?!'re size?!"

*temporary stare off; me at the car, Chloe on the porch*

Daughter:".....uh....maybe it was my imagination or something like that."

Dad: TOTALLY FUCKING CREEPED OUT.... proceeds to bake cookies anyway..

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Bed Wetting Training is in Full Affect

*slowly waking up and feeling Chloe's little foot with his, realizing she crawled into bed with him (normal routine)*

Dad: "Chloe, good morning are you awake?"

Daughter: "Yes. Can I have some cereal?"

Dad: "Sure, did you wet your bed?"

Daughter: "Nope."

Dad: (still laying on my side facing away from her) "Did you wet mine?....."

Daughter: "Nope."

Dad: *smile creeps across face*

Daughter: "Oh, wait....."

Dad: *eyes pop open and smile disappears*

Daughter: *shuffling around in bed* ", actually I didn't pee on anything."

Dad: *relaxes, starts to drift back off*

Daughter: "So can I have some cereal?"

Dad: *wakes back up*...."ok, ok...I'm going." *gets up heads to the bathroom and is cut off by 4 year old doing the "potty dance"*


Sunday, September 19, 2010

You Got That!?

*sitting on the bank of a river*

Chloe: *deafening screams of terror*

Tellulah: "What's wrong Chloe!?"

Dad: "Hey, hey, come here what's the matter?"

Chloe *still shaking and wide eyed* "It scared me!"

Tellulah: "Oh the spider over there, running up the bank."

Dad: "Chloe that's a Daddy Long Leg, it won't bother you."

Tellulah: "Chloe, look how small it is, it's just afraid of you, because you are so much bigger than it is. It won't hurt you."

Chloe: "I'm just afraid of it."

Tellulah: "What if you were that size? If you were that small you'd be afraid of getting stepped on, just like it is afraid of you stepping on it."

Chloe: "No, if I was a spider, I'd just yell".... (switches to tiny high pitched scream) Daddy, daddy, come save me I'm over here!"

Dad: "Ha!, I would totally come save you, but I'm afraid of......"

Chloe: (interrupts me, drops her voice, puts her finger in my face, gets evil look on her face) "YOU BETTER REMEMBER ME WHEN I'M A SPIDER!!!!"

Dad: *Wide-eyed stare at Tellulah*

Tellulah: *belly laughs*

Friday, September 17, 2010

My daughter is so much cooler than you...and me.

*Chloe and I driving to school listening to The Clash*

Daughter: "I'm playing drums!"

Dad: *joins in on the drumming* "So Am I!"

Daughter: "You need to play a different instrument."

Dad: *switches to bass guitar* "Ok, I'm the bass player and your're the drummer."

*jamming out to The Guns of Brixton for a minute*

Dad: "We're in a band, what should we call it?"

Daughter: "I don't know."

Dad: "Well, we need a name for our band so people will know who we are."

Daughter: "I don't know"

Dad: "Pick a name, any name you want."

(this is where I prepare myself for the inevitable "We're the Princesses!")

Daughter: ........long pause.......... "A Bird!"

Dad: "Where!?"

Daughter: "No silly, that's the name of our band!"

Dad: "A Bird?"

Daughter "Yeah, A Bird."

Dad: "Awesome band name Chloe!"

Daughter: ........stops drumming puts thumb in mouth......"Yeah, I know, we're awesome."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Transgender Digestive Systems, Apparently.

Dad: "Will a hot shower make you feel better?"

Daughter: "Yeah"............."But my belly is saying that he wants to lay down for a minute."

Dad: "Would your stomach telling you he wants to lay down for a minute have anything to do with the fact that you're watching cartoons?"

Daughter: "Yeah"

Dad: "Is your stomach a boy or a girl?"

Daughter: "He's a girl, a pretty girl like you."

Dad: "......ok.....thanks."

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

What One Will Do For Love.

*driving to store*

Daughter: "Ewww!, this stinks....smell it!"

Dad: "What!? Why?! What stinks and why do I need to smell it?"

Daughter: "This!"

Dad: "I'm driving, just tell me what it is."

Daughter: "My monkey, my monkey stinks."

....long slightly uneasy pause......

Dad: "What did you say?"

Daughter: "My monkey stinks, here, sniff it; it stinks!"

Dad: *comes to red light, turns to see Daughter holding up a toy monkey*

Daughter: "Well?!"

Dad: leans over and sniffs oddly and amazingly stinky toy monkey....

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I know my A,B,3's!

*Pointing at title of book*

Dad: "Chloe, what are these letters?"

Daughter: "G-O"

Dad: "What does that spell?"

Daughter: "Go!"

Dad: "Yes! That's great!!"

*high-fives exchanged, daughter gets excited*

Dad: "OK, what are these letters?"

Daughter: "W-E"

Dad: "And what does that spell?"

Daughter: "Exercise!"


Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Honesty...the "Fresh-Maker"

*laying in bed reading to a sad looking Chloe*

Dad: "Hey, you look sad. Is there something you want to talk about?"

Daughter: "I'm sorry I said I don't love you anymore."

Dad: "Oh sweety, it's ok, I know it's frustrating to have to be told it's time for bed. I know you want to stay up and play but you have school in the morning and you are tired. I am very proud of you for having the courage to apologize. We all say things we sometimes don't mean and I understand, and I know you love me and I love you more than anything in the whole world."

Daughter: "Am I the most important thing in the whole world?"

Dad: "Yes, you certainly are."

Daughter: "Am I beautiful?"

Dad: "Yes, the most beautiful!"

Daughter: "Your breath stinks...."

Dad: *blank stare-turns, clears throat, and continues reading*

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Dead are Gross

*driving back from school*

Daughter: "Ooooh! Look at that!!!!!!!"

Dad: *looks to the left to see a cemetary* "Ah, yeah a cememtary."

Daughter: "That's where you go when you are sad to put up flowers and letters."

Dad: "Uh yes, that's true." "Do you know what a cemetary is?"

Daughter: "No."

Dad: "It's a place that we bury the dead." "When someone dies we place them in the ground and mark where they are buried so we can come and visit them."

Daughter: *incredibly long pause..........* "EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Training Bras

Daughter: *getting dressed for school* "I've got little boobies."

Dad: "Those are nipples, and yes now they are little."

Daughter: "When I grow up I am going to have big boobies like you."

Dad: *sigh....* ".....thanks, let's get dressed we're going to be late."

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Interrupted Movements

Dad: *staring forward at a wall, relaxing, and trying to discreetly use the restroom*

Daughter: *standing 4 inches from my face while pinching her nose* "Is it going to stink in here?!"

Dad: *giant heaving sigh*

Friday, February 19, 2010


Dad: Are you finished with your fries?

Daughter: Uh, yeah.

Dad: Ok, I am going to eat just these two then.

Daughter: You already ate 2.

Dad: (mouth full of fries) OK, well then I will eat these two too.

Daughter: You can't talk with your mouth full.

Dad: Ok, ok, ok!

Long Pause......

Daughter: You're still doing it.

Dad: Leave me alone.

Daughter: Stop Whining.

Dad: *chokes*

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Raspberry Chicken

Daughter: You shouldn't eat berries.

Dad: Well, some berries you shouldn't eat.

Daughter: Why?

Dad: Well some are poisonous and will make you sick.

Daughter: What kind can you eat?

Dad: Strawberries.

Daughter: I don't like strawberries.

Dad: Raspberries.

Daughter: I don't like raspberries. I like chicken, but not raspberry chickens.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Thunder Cats....Who?

Daughter: "Can I have some more milk"

Dad: "Sure, go get the milk out of the fridge."

Daughter: *walks into the kitchen, gets milks, and struggles to bring it to me*

Dad: "Thanks." *pours milk*

Daughter" Thank you Daddy, I'll go put it back."

Dad: "Ok"

Daughter: *returns to couch to finish watching Totoro* "Am I a finder girl?"

Dad: "What? a Thunder Cat?"

Daughter: "No, a finder girl."

Dad: "What's a finder girl?"

Daughter: "A girl that finds things."

Dad: *staring at ceiling dumbfounded* "Yes, you're a finder girl."

Daughter: "I like cheese."

Dad: "You need to go to bed."

Daughter: " do."